


Trying To Forget

by HollyDiggsMeow



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Implied Smut, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, One Night Stand, Self Harm, coming out scene, its not graphic tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-04-26 22:44:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14412114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyDiggsMeow/pseuds/HollyDiggsMeow
Summary: Lance wasn’t sure if it was the look in Keith’s eyes or the beer he’d been drinking that was making his heart pound. A deep, rapid thud in his chest that grew faster as his breaths grew quicker. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Keith’s gaze, getting lost in his dark grey, almost violet eyes.He hoped it was just the beer.(Lance and Keith have a one night stand, and Lance is very upset about it because of his internalized homophobia. Afterwards, he dates several girls to try to forget about Keith, but he can’t stop thinking about him.)





	1. Chapter 1

Lance wasn’t sure if it was the look in Keith’s eyes or the beer he’d been drinking that was making his heart pound. A deep, rapid thud in his chest that grew faster as his breaths grew quicker. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Keith’s gaze, getting lost in his dark grey, almost violet eyes. 

He hoped it was just the beer. 

Keith had invited Lance over to his dorm to hang out. His roommate was out at a party, so it was just the two of them. Keith handed Lance a beer and the two of them sat on the couch together, just talking. Lance didn’t even realize how close they were sitting on the couch until Keith looked at him like that. 

“Lance...” he said softly. 

Lance wanted to look away. He wanted to tell Keith that he didn’t like guys and just wanted to be friends. His brain screamed at him to push Keith away and leave, but... something about those eyes, and the gentle caress of Keith’s hand going down his arm, and the delicate, gentle softness of his voice whispering his name...

Lance found himself putting his hand on Keith’s side, the warmth of the touch making his heart pound harder. Keith was leaning in, and although he silently screamed at himself to stop, Lance leaned in too. He placed his other hand delicately behind Keith’s neck, pulling him forward to close the gap.

Lance’s heart swelled when Keith’s lips touched his own. They were light and gentle, and moved slowly and sweetly. With each movement, another chill was sent down Lance’s spine. In this moment, Lance was so elated that he didn’t care about the little voice telling him to stop. He couldn’t even hear what it was saying. 

A moment later, Keith pulled back, slowly letting go of Lance’s lips. Lance’s eyes fluttered open, though he didn’t even remember closing them in the first place. He looked up at Keith and was met with a loving, blissful gaze that made his heart melt. 

Suddenly, Lance desperately wanted more. More gentle strokes, more kisses, more Keith. He pulled Keith back to his face, kissing him hard. He tangled both his hands in Keith’s long, silky hair, and Keith wrapped his arms around Lance, pulling his body as close as he could. 

This kiss was much different than the last one. Instead of gentle, Keith’s lips were moving quickly and roughly against his own. He pulled Lance closer until he was pretty much sitting on his lap, then he moved his mouth over to Lance’s cheek, then down to his neck. Lance gripped Keith’s hair and sighed at the feeling of Keith’s lips on his skin. 

“Lance, is this okay?” Keith asked between kisses. 

Any other day, Lance probably would have said no. But right now, he was desperate for more of Keith. He latched onto him and never wanted to let him go. 

“Yeah. This is okay.”

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Lance’s eyelids were heavy with drowsiness the next morning. He tried to open them, but the warmth of the bed enticed him, somehow making it impossible. Instead, he decided to snuggle deeper into the covers, pressing his body against the heat source next to him. 

Wait a minute. 

Lance’s eyes shot open, all the drowsiness vanishing in an instant, only to be replaced by shock. He jolted upright and looked at the sleeping figure next to him. He was filled with horror when he remembered what he had done last night. There was no way he’d ever forgive himself for that. He would never be able to see Keith the same way. He wouldn’t even be able to talk to Keith. 

Lance was absolutely mortified. He had to get out of here before Keith woke up. Fortunately, it was still dark and Keith was pretty much out cold. Lance was lying on the side of the bed closer to the wall, so getting out was going to be tricky. He could either try to awkwardly climb over Keith’s sleeping body, or awkwardly slide himself down to the foot of the bed. He decided the second option would be the best, because he did NOT want to risk Keith waking up, let along to Lance on top of him. 

He slowly inched his way down to the foot of the bed and realized in embarrassment that he was completely naked. He stood op and frantically searched the floor for his clothes. He noticed that Keith’s roommate was asleep in the other bed, and internally groaned in frustration and mortification knowing that he had probably seen Lance in bed with Keith. 

He finally spotted the pile of clothes on the ground and snatched it up in the blink of an eye. He got dressed faster than he had ever gotten dressed before, while still being careful to be absolutely silent. 

His heart was thudding and he was silently begging Keith and his roommate to not wake up. He crept over to the door and carefully opened it, cringing at the squeaking coming from the hinges. He only opened the door wide enough for his slim body to slip out. Then he closed it shut and bolted down the hallway towards his dorm. 

That was when it fully hit him. Lance had fucked Keith Kogane. 

A wave of self-hatred and disgust washed over him, consuming him. He stopped running and instead curled up into a ball by the wall. He knew his roommate Hunk would be in his dorm, and even though Lance knew he was probably asleep, he really needed to be alone right now. 

Lance had always been sure he was straight. And while he didn’t hate gay people or think they shouldn’t be together or anything, he had always been disgusted at the idea of him being anything but straight. He had heard some of the other kids in his class make fun of gay people, and he hated the thought of those jokes being about him. 

Yet his mind wandered back to the thought of Keith’s loving gaze, his arms around his body, the taste of his kiss...

Lance pulled his knees up to his chin and buried his face in them, squeezing his arms tightly around his body. Tears stung his eyes as he choked out a sob, feeling more confused than ever.


	2. Chapter 2

Keith reached his arms over to the other side of his bed, expecting to feel the warmth of Lance’s body. But instead, there was only cold emptiness. He opened his eyes.

 

And his heart sank.

 

Keith was alone.

 

He wasn’t sure how long ago Lance had left, but the fact that he had left crushed him.

 

Keith had never experienced anything like that with anyone. He was completely overjoyed when Lance kissed him back, and was nervous yet excited when it escalated beyond that. Keith had been happier than he had ever been last night.

 

But now Lance was gone.

 

Keith tried to think of a reason he had left, trying to convince himself that Lance had an early morning class, or that his roommate Shiro had woken him up and told him to leave. But the thought that Lance left because of Keith embedded itself in his mind.

 

Maybe Lance had only used Keith for sex, or maybe it wasn’t good enough. Maybe he was uncomfortable with it. But he said it was okay.

 

 _He said it was okay,_ Keith thought, _but he didn’t say he_ wanted _to._

 

Keith shoved his face into his hands as he was consumed with regret, knowing Lance probably hated him. He shouldn’t have moved so quickly. He should’ve asked if Lance _wanted_ to do what they did. Maybe if he had, Lance wouldn’t hate him. But now any chance that he might’ve had to be with his crush was shattered. He’d be lucky if Lance even looked at him.

 

Keith glanced at Shiro, who was still asleep in the bed on the other side of the room. Then he noticed the pile of clothes on the ground, and decided he should probably put them back on before Shiro got up.

 

He lugged himself out of bed and started getting dressed. He put on his pants and picked up the shirt on the floor.

 

Then he hesitated for a second. The piece of clothing in his hands didn’t belong to him. This was the shirt that Lance had been wearing last night. In fact, Keith’s shirt was nowhere in sight.

 

Keith stared at the shirt, clutching it in his hands. The sad realization that Lance had left him hit again. He had left so fast he didn’t even realized he put on the wrong damn shirt. Keith squeezed his eyes shut and sat back down on his bed with a thud.

 

“Stupid fucking Lance,” he whispered sharply, tears stinging his eyes.

 

A moment later, he heard Shiro roll over in his bed. He turned to face Keith and propped his head up on his hand. “So,” he said, “Lance McClain, huh?”

 

Keith signed and glared at the floor. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Shiro’s face fell. “Did... something happen?”

 

Keith sighed again. “He bailed this morning without saying a word.”

 

“Oh...” Shiro looked at Keith sympathetically. “I’m sorry that happened...”

 

Keith looked at the shirt in his hands again. Rage boiled over inside of him, and he crumpled the blue fabric into a ball and threw it as hard as he could at the door. “Stupid FUCKING Lance!”

 

Then he climbed back into his bed and buried his face in his pillow, letting it soak up the tears from his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Turns out Keith’s suspicions were correct. 

The following week, Lance had been outright ignoring Keith. He’d sent him several texts, apologizing profusely and asking him to be friends again, but he got nothing in reply. He’d see Lance in the halls on the way to his classes, and Lance would make a point of avoiding eye contact. Sometimes he’d even turn and walk the other direction. He tried to play it off like he’d meant to go that way in the first place, but it was obvious by the way he flinched as soon as his eyes glanced over Keith that he just wanted to avoid passing him. A couple of times, Keith tried to speak to him. But Lance would immediately turn to whoever was closest and start talking to them, as if he hadn’t heard him. 

And it fucking stung. 

Every time Lance ignored Keith, it was a painful reminder that he had fucked up. It felt like a knife being stabbed into his heart, the blade twisting and slowly pulling down his chest. He had completely lost one of his closest friends because of that fuckup. It hurt to think about how much his actions must have hurt Lance. That he’d go so far as to completely remove Keith from his life. The guilt of that thought weighed heavily on Keith every day. 

At this point, he didn’t care about his crush on Lance or starting a relationship with him. All he wanted was his friend back. It pained Keith to no end knowing that it was his own fault that he had lost him. Maybe it was selfish of him to want Lance to be his friend again. 

But he at least hoped Lance would be okay. 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

“Lance.”

Keith had caught Lance in an empty hallway. There was no one around for Lance to pretend to talk to, no corners nearby to turn quickly, no one around to see him talking to Keith. 

Keith needed to talk to Lance. He had to find out if they could ever be friends again. He had to apologize. He had to make sure Lance was okay. He needed to know if he hated Keith. Because if he did, maybe Keith would finally be able to move on. 

Lance kept walking, facing away from Keith. 

“Lance, I know you can hear me. I just want to talk.”

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?!”

Lance stopped walking suddenly, and Keith flinched at the sharp tone in his voice. 

“Lance, I... I am so, so sorry for what I did.” Keith’s tone was deeply sincere, and his voice wavered at the end of his words. 

Lance said nothing, still facing away from Keith. 

“I have no excuse,” Keith continued. “I know that I hurt you, and the guilt of that fact weighs down on me every fucking day.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“I’m sor—“

Lance turned around. “I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!”

Hearing those words felt like a bullet going through Keith’s chest. It was like the entire world had been shattered, crumbling to a pile of dust. 

Keith was frozen, his face surely portraying the immense pain Lance’s words had caused him. Lance’s face wavered just a bit, and he looked away again. 

“I just want you out of my life.”

Keith forced his voice to be steady, despite the desperate urge to start sobbing. 

“Okay.”

Then he walked away, trying desperately to hold back the tears. 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Keith hoped that getting closure would help him move on, but after hearing the coldness in Lance’s words, Keith was more broken than ever. 

It was impossible to avoid seeing Lance. Every day he’d see him, be it walking pst him in the hall or sitting in the courtyard with his girlfriend of the week. Ever since that night, Lance had been dating girls nonstop. The relationships were always short lived though. As soon as he broke up with someone, he’d end up with someone else no more than a few days later. Keith tried to be happy for Lance, but he couldn’t stop wishing that it was him he’d been making out with in a hidden corner on the campus instead of some random girl. 

Keith couldn’t help but notice that Lance seemed different. He had this sad, distant look in his eyes almost all the time. It was subtle, but it was definitely there. Lance was usually so perky and bouncy, but it seemed like something was weighing him down. Like there was some invisible force pulling down on his shoulders. 

Keith couldn’t help but fear he had caused it. 

He missed Lance so much. He missed staying up late texting him. He missed the playful teasing and the deep conversations. He missed that look Lance got in his dark blue eyes whenever Keith laughed at a joke he made. 

Keith clutched the shirt Lance had left behind tightly, hugging it close to his chest. His heart ached at the memories of all the moments they shared. He could never shake the guilt he felt when he thought about how sad Lance looked today. No matter how hard he tried, Lance was all he could think about. 

Not even the knife slitting his wrist could make him forget.


	4. Chapter 4

 Lance just wanted to forget that night. He couldn’t even look at Keith without pulling up the memories he’d tried so hard to bury in the back of his mind. Every time he saw him, a wave of emotions flooded him. Emotions he wasn’t ready to handle. Emotions he tried so fucking hard to block out. He tried so hard to build barriers to keep those feelings away, but every time he saw his face, they came violently crashing down, drowning him.

 

The only solution was to remove Keith from his life. He ignored his texts. He forced his eyes away from him whenever he passed him. Sometimes he even just turned around when he saw Keith down the hallway. He tried so hard to show Keith that he didn’t care. He tried to act like he had completely forgot about him. Because maybe if he pretended hard enough, it would start to be true.

 

But the truth was, every time Lance caught Keith’s sad gaze, or received another text from him, apologizing and begging him to talk to him again, he felt a pang in his chest. He really did miss Keith. But at the same time, he carried around his fear like a rock in his stomach whenever those memories resurfaced.

 

It was unbearable.

 

Sometimes Lance would find himself reading the texts Keith sent, but he would instantly regret doing so afterwards.

 

“I’m so, so sorry Lance. I should have talked to you more before doing what I did.”

 

“I understand if you hate me.”

 

“I miss you so much.”

 

A very small part of him wanted to respond and tell him that it was okay and he didn’t hate him and he missed him too. But the idea terrified him. The thought of having any kind of feelings towards Keith filled him with overwhelming dread.

 

So he continued to put walls up and ignore him. And each time he thought he might be getting a little bit closer to forgetting, the memories would resurface again. There was no way to avoid seeing Keith, no matter how hard he tried. And even when Keith wasn’t there to remind him of his feelings, the memory of Keith’s lips against his own, his hands caressing his side, his beautiful eyes, would crawl into his thoughts, plaguing his mind.

 

Not to mention Keith’s stupid fucking shirt that he had mistakenly grabbed instead of his own. It still sat there, crumpled in the corner of his dorm surrounded by his other clothes. While it was just another reminder of Keith, somehow Lance couldn’t bring himself to throw it away. He told himself that it was just because he didn’t even want to touch it, afraid that it would carry Keith’s scent and force him to relive that night yet again.

 

But the hardest thing Lance had to endure was when Keith caught him alone on his way back to his dorm.

 

Lance’s heart shattered when Keith’s voice started to break. His tone was so sincere and so devastated, and even though Lance wasn’t even looking at him, he could tell Keith was desperately trying to hold back tears when he apologized.

 

Which made the next thing Lance was about to do almost impossible.

 

But he knew he had to do it.

 

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

 

His body was tense as he forced the words out. He kept himself completely still as he spoke, keeping his voice from trembling.

 

“I’m sor—“

 

“I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!”

 

He threw all the fear and panic he felt into the outburst. But he made the mistake of turning around as he said it, and saw the look of absolute, shattering devastation that fell on Keith’s face. He quickly turned back around, afraid that Keith saw the faltering in Lance’s expression.

 

He had to get Keith out of his life for good, and this was the only way to do it. He needed Keith to leave him alone for the sake of his own sanity. He had to do this.

 

He had to do this.

 

“I just want you out of my life.”

 

Lance winced at the coldness in his own voice, but at the same time was relieved for the steadiness. He waited for Keith’s response, begging him to walk away because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep his voice from breaking.

 

There was a painfully long hesitation, but finally Keith spoke again.

 

“Okay.”

 

Then he walked away, and Lance finally broke down in tears.

 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

 

Lance had a new method of distracting himself.

 

He dated several different girls in the following weeks, desperately trying to find someone to occupy all of his thoughts. It worked pretty well at the beginning of each relationship he was in, finding his head spinning with thoughts of his current partner. But not long after, he’d find himself single again.

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t love whoever he was with. In fact, it was usually his girlfriend who broke up with him instead of the other way around. But it would start to become clear that these relationships were built from a need for relief rather than real love.

 

One girl, Nyma, even accused Lance of being in love with someone else.

 

They had been making out in a corner near the dorm building, when Lance caught a glimpse of Keith walking by. Their gazes met, and Lance froze.

 

“Lance?” Nyma asked, noticing his shift in demeanor. “What’s wrong?”

 

Keith dashed away with an unreadable expression.

 

“Huh? Oh, nothing—“

 

“Did someone catch us?” Nyma turned to look where Keith had been standing just a few seconds ago.

 

“Uhh... yeah.” Lance furrowed his brow and looked at the ground. “We should probably go.”

 

Nyma groaned and unwrapped her arms from Lance’s body, grabbing his hand in the process. “Come on,” she said, dragging him away.

 

A few days later, Nyma told Lance that he looked distant when they were together, like he was thinking of someone else. Lance denied it, of course, but no matter how much he didn’t want it to be true, Keith was always in the back of his mind when he was kissing Nyma, or any of his previous girlfriends really.

 

He tried so fucking hard to stop thinking about Keith. To stop feeling the way he did about Keith. But it was impossible. It was like Keith had latched himself onto Lance’s heart and refused to let go. There was nothing Lance could do to forget him.

 

Especially not when Keith’s roommate came to talk to him one day.

 

Lance had seen Shiro around a few times, mostly while he was hanging out with Keith when they were still friends. He had barely talked to the guy though, so he was a bit concerned when he came up to talk to him alone, staring Lance down with an icy gaze.

 

“You’re a real asshole, you know that?” Shiro said coldly, stopped a few feet in front of him.

 

“Hey man, what the hell did I do?” Lance defended. But he knew very well what he did, and the feeling of dread weighed on him heavily.

 

“You can’t just fuck someone then cut them out of your life completely with no explanation.”

 

Lance gaze darted around the area quickly, and he was grateful nobody was in ear shot. “That’s none of your business!” Lance shouted, his cheeks reddening.

 

“Actually it is. Keith is fucking destroyed over that night and I can’t just sit back and watch his mental health get destroyed.”

 

Lance wanted Shiro to shut up. The thought of Keith being that upset over Lance’s actions was unbearable. He searched desperately for something to say, but came up with nothing.

 

“Look,” Shiro continued. “I don’t care if you left because the sex was bad, or if you don’t like him like that, or if you’re uncomfortable with your sexuality or what—“

 

“I’m not gay! It’s as simple as that!”

 

“—but the least you could have done is say something instead of leaving him wondering all this time. Maybe think about how your actions might hurt others before running off like a coward.”

 

The words stung. All Lance could do was stare at the ground and say nothing.

 

“It’s not too late to say something to him.” And with that, Shiro turned and walked away, leaving Lance by himself.


	5. Chapter 5

“Pidge, I... I have something to tell you.”

 

Lance had spent the last few days thinking really hard. Shiro’s words kept repeating themselves in his head, and he finally decided to let himself think about Keith again. The truth was, hearing how much this whole thing upset Keith devastated him. Lance was starting to realize how shitty it was to leave Keith without a word. Keith probably blamed himself, thinking _he_ had done something wrong, when really it was just Lance being afraid of his own feelings.

 

Not only did Lance feel awful about leaving, but he was also starting to accept the possibility that he might have feelings for Keith. It had been something he’d been denying for so long, something he’d even been sickened by, but he couldn’t help but be relieved when he started letting go of his fears and accepting his feelings. Part of him had always known how he felt, constantly thinking of Keith, imagining it was him he was kissing instead of Nyma or whoever else.

 

Lance decided it was finally time to talk to someone about it instead of internalizing it. When Pidge, one of his closest friends, decided to invite him over to their dorm room, Lance decided now would be as good a time as any.

 

“Yeah?” Pidge said in response to Lance, “What is it?”

 

“I think I...”

 

Oh god. This was a lot harder than he thought it would be. All he needed to say was one simple sentence. It seemed so easy to do, but he found it almost impossible to get the words out of his mouth. It was like the weight in his stomach was keeping the words rooted inside of him, unable to escape.

 

“Lance, it’s okay.” Pidge’s voice was sincere and comforting, easing Lance’s nerves just a little bit. “You can tell me anything, I won’t judge.”

 

Pidge had turned around in their desk chair to look Lance, who was sitting on their bed. Lance tried to heed their words, but it was just so hard to get the fucking words out.

 

_Just spit it out,_ he told himself.

 

But staring at Pidge’s eyes, he just couldn’t say it.

 

“Never mind,” he said, waving his hand in the air. “It’s not important.”

 

He tried to look away, but then a hand grabbed his face, forcing him to look back at Pidge.

 

“Lance. Whatever it is, I can tell it’s definitely important. If it really wasn’t, you’d have no problem telling me. And since you’re clearly hesitant to tell me, it’s probably something you’ve been internalizing for a while.”

 

Lance looked away sheepishly. Somehow they could tell exactly what was going on.

 

Pidge’s voice softened. “But bottling things up isn’t healthy. You need to talk about things. If you don’t, your problems will only get worse.”

 

Lance let out a small groan, still hesitant to say anything.

 

“It’s okay,” Pidge said, “you can talk to me.”

 

Lance sighed. “Okay. I think I...”

 

One. Simple. Sentence.

 

“I might...”

 

He had to spit it out. He had to just throw it out there.

 

“I think I might be bisexual.”

 

Lance spat out the words like they were poison in his mouth. But he got them out. He looked at Pidge, anxiously waiting for their reaction.

 

“Oh, Lance,” they said affectionately, pulling him into a hug. “That’s perfectly okay. I’m proud of you for telling me.”

 

Lance let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. It felt like a massive weight had been removed from him. Like Pidge had hugged away a disease that had been plaguing him.

 

“It’s weird to say it out loud,” Lance’s voice wavered as he spoke, still trembling with the anxiety he’d been feeling just a moment ago.

 

Pidge pulled back from the hug to meet Lance’s gaze again. “Was I the first person you told?”

 

Lance nodded.

 

“Wow, I guess I should feel honored.” They chuckled, then smirked mischievously. “So, is there a guy you like.”

 

Lance blushed and put his hand behind his neck. “Well, that’s kind of what started this whole thing in the first place.”

 

“Ooh, he must be pretty hot to make you realize you’re bi.”

 

“Do you know... Keith Kogane?”

 

“Ah. That explains it. He’s pretty fucking hot.”

 

Lance laughed awkwardly, but then his face fell. “I did, uh... kind of a shitty thing.”

 

Pidge looked at Lance curiously, waiting for him to continue. But talking about that night again was hard. Lance had tried so hard to erase it from his memory, and here he was willingly reliving it. Not to mention, he felt pretty awkward telling Pidge that he had sex with a guy.

 

“He invited me over one night, and... uhh...”

 

“Oh my god did you guys fuck?” Pidge said it more like a statement than a question.

 

Lance buried his face in his hands, refusing to look at Pidge.

 

“Holy fucking shit Lance.”

 

“Shut uuuup,” Lance groaned into his hands.

 

“Okay, okay, fine.” Pidge said, and Lance was grateful Pidge didn’t dwell on that too long. “So you said you did something shitty. What did you do?”

 

Lance lifted his face up out of his hands, only to avert his gaze from Pidge, still feeling embarrassed. “Okay, well... I kind of hated myself for going through with all that. I really just... wasn’t okay with the fact that I had _been_ okay with it in the first place.”

 

“Hmm. So you hated the idea that you might not be straight?”

 

“Yeah. I was just so... _disgusted_ with myself that I left without saying anything.”

 

“Yikes.”

 

“Then, I couldn’t even look at him without hating myself. Every time I saw him, it would remind me of that night and I couldn’t take it.” He paused. “So I started ignoring him.”

 

Lance told Pidge everything. All the texts Keith had sent, all the glimpses in the hallways, the fact that he had only been dating girls to distract himself, what Shiro had said to him, and how guilty he felt about everything.

 

“I was wondering why you basically had a new girlfriend every week,” Pidge said. “Guess it makes sense now.”

 

“I’m gonna apologize to Keith.” Lance said decisively.

 

“Are you gonna tell him you like him too?”

 

“I want to, but he probably hates me. I doubt he’d even forgive me, let alone go out with me.”

 

“Well, clearly he liked you at one point. He wouldn’t have fucked you if he didn’t." Pidge chuckled. "I think you should at least tell him how you feel. That way he’ll know that you don’t hate him. It’s not like your relationship can get much worse.”

 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” There was a moment of silence. “Thank you for letting me talk to you, Pidge. You’re a good friend.”

 

Pidge smiled at Lance. “No problem. Thanks for opening up to me. It really does mean a lot.”


	6. Chapter 6

Keith scowled at the scar on his left wrist, shame engulfing him as he pulled his jacket sleeve down his arm to hide it.

 

He knew he had taken it too far by doing that. For getting so wound up in a guy that he’d go so far as to cut his own wrist over him. He’d been so focused on Lance, letting thoughts of him plague his mind constantly, wallowing in his guilt. Guilt over what? They had sex. Lance consented. If he really didn’t want to, he would have just said no.

 

He’d started to realize how pretentious it was to assume that Lance was really that upset over him. Keith was embarrassed that he had assumed so. But still, Lance’s last words to him had stung. Why would he want him out of his life if he wasn’t upset at him?

 

Keith had been agonizing over these questions a lot, until he finally realized that there was more to his life than just Lance. While he wasn’t much of a social person, he still had a few other friends to hang out with, and he had decided to buy a sketchbook and start drawing too. Picking up a new hobby was a good way to get over Lance. There was more to life than just Lance.

 

He would get through this.

 

Though, picking up a new hobby wasn’t going to make his stupid fucking scar go away any faster. Keith was terrified of the looks people might give him if they saw it, terrified that they might treat him differently because of it. He might’ve been imagining it, but he could’ve sworn he’d seen a few people give him concerned glances.

 

Keith knew he wasn’t suicidal. He just got too damn wrapped up in his emotions one night, and now he had this scar as a consequence. It wasn’t worth it, and he hated that he had done it.

 

But sooner or later, his scars would fade, both physical and emotional.

 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

 

Keith was supposed to be studying, but instead was doodling random faces in his notebook. But then he heard a knock on the door to his dorm, so he dropped his pencil and walked over to it.

 

He opened the door and froze.

 

In front of him stood Lance, looking nervous.

 

For a moment, Keith was speechless. Last time Lance had talked to him, he said he never wanted to talk to him again. What the hell was he doing at his door?

 

“Lance?” Keith finally asked. “What the hell are you doing here?”

 

Lance fidgeted, then glanced anxiously at a couple of students approaching from down the hall, before returning his gaze to Keith. “Can I come in please?”

 

Keith was still trying to figure out why the heck Lance had come. He dubiously stepped back to let Lance in, still not quite sure how to feel about Lance being in his dorm right now.

 

Lance walked past Keith towards the small couch that barely fit in the dorm. It was then that Keith noticed the small box of chocolates Lance was carrying. He narrowed his eyes at it, wondering if this was still a good idea.

 

Lance took a seat on the couch, while Keith sat on his bed, beginning to feel a little uneasy. Definitely too uneasy to sit on the tiny couch with Lance. He’d be pressed right up against him on the couch where they’d had their first kiss. The kiss that marked the beginning of a night that haunted both of them. The night Keith was finally starting to get over.

 

“Well?” Keith snapped.

 

Lance sighed. “Keith, I’m such a piece of shit.”

 

Keith let out a humorless chuckle. “That’s a shocker.”

 

“No, seriously. I’m a huge, fucking piece of shit. What I did was absolutely shitty,” Lance rambled, “I got wrapped up in my own insecurities and just completely shut you out instead of actually talking to you like a normal fucking person. You didn’t deserve that. That was me just being awful and stupid.”

 

Keith narrowed his eyes. “What are you saying?”

 

“I’m saying that I’m sorry,” Lance pleaded, “I am so fucking sorry. It’s my fault everything is so fucked up between us.”

 

“Then why the hell did you leave? Why did you make it so fucked up?” Keith’s patience was running thin.

 

“I couldn’t—“ Lance cut himself off sharply, then paused to take a breath. “Keith, I was so scared. I wasn’t ready to accept it, I was so disgusted with myself and I couldn’t handle it. For the longest time I just wanted to forget it but I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I thought the only way was to shut you out but really it was because I couldn’t accept—“

 

“Accept what?!”

 

Lance let out a shaky breath, then looked Keith dead in the eye.

 

“I’m in love with you, Keith.”

 

No. Keith couldn’t handle this bullshit. He had worked so hard, come too far to get to this point. He was finally starting to get over Lance, but he had just come right back and ruined it. His head was spinning with Lance’s words. This was fucking insane. Lance had treated him like absolute shit and now he was confessing? This was crazy.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Keith screamed. “Do you even realize the hell you put me through? Do you know what you did to me?” Keith rose to his feet to glare down at Lance. “The fact that you had to get the hell away from me before I even woke up drove me insane! I was convincedthat you left me because you hated me. And your actions after that made it even worse! I could see it in your face that something was wrong and all this time I blamed myself. The guilt of that crushed me. But I was finally, finally starting to get over that, starting to realize that maybe I could be happy again, then you knock on my door and tell me that you’re fucking in love with me?!”

 

Keith had thrown his arms up in rage as those last words left his mouth, but he quickly realized that in doing so he had made his scar visible to Lance. Quickly, he clutched his left wrist to his chest to hide it, but the damage had already been done. Lance’s face was one of incredible sadness and guilt. Keith could barely look at it.

 

“Keith...” Lance muttered, voice flooded with sorrow.

 

“Get the fuck out,” Keith growled.

 

Lance flinched, but Keith spoke again before he could say anything.

 

“Get the fuck out _right now._ ”

 

Lance stood, still looking at Keith with immense sympathy and guilt. He dropped the box of chocolates he’d been carrying on the table. “These are for you,” he said.

 

Then he walked out the door.

 

Keith made a noise that was something between an angry groan and a scream as he collapsed on his bed. He didn’t know how to process this. Shouldn’t he be happy that the boy he’d liked for months said he was in love with him? But then again, he’d treated him like crap, and Keith hated letting him play with his emotions like that.

 

The words Lance had said started coming back to him. His fear and disgust at himself. The inability to accept himself. His nervous glance at the students down the hall.

 

Keith knew what that was like.

 

Keith remembered trying to shut out his own feelings. Being terrified of what his friends would say to him. Coming out had been hard for him. It’s hard for everybody. But that’s no excuse for the way he treated him.

 

Keith absentmindedly grabbed the box of chocolates Lance had left on his coffee table and opened it. Inside was a hand-written note that read, “Sorry I’m such a dick.”

 

Keith chuckled at the note, then sighed. Yes, Lance may be a dick who ignored him for weeks, but that didn’t mean Keith had to do it back to him.

 

Maybe, just maybe, he’d give him a chance.

 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

 

The next day, Lance sat on a bench near a tree. Spring had just begun and his nose was starting to itch from the pollen, but he needed a peaceful spot to sit right now. His brow was furrowed from his thoughts about Keith. He replayed their conversation over and over in his head, wishing he had said different things.

 

He was startled out of his thoughts when he felt someone sit next to him, and he nearly fell off the bench when he saw who it was.

 

“Keith?!”

 

Keith hunched his shoulders and looked away from Lance. “Hey,” he muttered.

 

Lance awkwardly sat back up and stared at his feet, not sure what to say. “Hey.”

 

“Saw your note.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Keith chuckled. “You may be a dick, but...”

 

He paused, and Lance turned his gaze on him.

 

“I know what it’s like to go through that.”

 

There was another long pause. Then Lance felt warm fingers wrap around his hand. Lance flinched, and Keith gazed at him with that look in those pretty violet eyes.

 

“I think you deserve a chance.”

 

Lance’s heart swelled. He knew he didn’t deserve a chance, but Keith was giving him one anyway. And here he was, holding Keith’s hand and looking into those lovely eyes. He smiled and squeezed Keith’s hand back.

 

The sudden reality hit him that he was holding a man’s hand in public. It must’ve shown on his face, because Keith said, “It’s okay to show who you are. You don’t have to hide it anymore.”

 

Lance glanced around anxiously. “But what if my friends see?”

 

“Who gives a shit if your friends see? If they don’t accept you, then they aren’t your friends anyway.”

 

Lance took a breath and squeezed Keith’s hand again. He paused for a second. “Maybe this is okay.”

 

“It’s okay, Lance,” Keith said. “It really is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa thank you so much for reading!!!! I really appreciate it if you've gotten this far! Please let me know how you liked it, comments inspire me to write more! Constructive criticism is always appreciated too, I know I'm not a great writer lol. Hope you liked it!


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